From Strong to Still

Today, Hayden gave us a little scare. I realized about lunchtime that I hadn't felt my son move in a few hours. I was also having a few other pains that I hadn't experienced before. Both David and my mom suggested I call the dr. So there I was at 2 pm, sitting in the drs. office when I should have been teaching! Well, this was more important, but you know what I mean. They hooked me up to a heart monitor and for almost an hour we listened and watched. It took a good half hour before he really began any movement. His heartrate was fairly consistent in the 160s and would dip into the 150s. When Hayden began moving again, Dr. Sams was pleased and decided to wait until my appt. Thursday morning before we take any more steps. I honestly don't know at this point if I'll make it to Thursday, but that's not for me to decide. I have so many emotions right now. It was quite a mentally and emotionally draining afternoon. Guess I'll just relax this evening and go back to work tomorrow and continue waiting. How is it that even when I know God knows best and His timing is perfect I still doubt so much? With Hayden, decisions, finances, everything. I can never shut my mind off. I want to revel in this time but all I can dwell on are other issues. How do I honestly, truly, completely let it go? And if you're going to say, "Just do it. Just let it go," please don't. This is a battle I've fought my entire life.