Shannon Falls, August 2012

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Tough Week

It's been a long week. I know why God designated parenting to be a duo-affair. There were many times this week I wasn't a very good mom. In fact, I hated who I was. What I had become. I'm working diligently on many things in my life. I haven't quite nailed it yet. Hayden isn't on the schedule I imagined he would be, but what we have is working. And he's getting to be a little boy; for me, that's honestly more important than he know 100 sight words. It is. Shoot me. I'm not a Pinterest-perfect mom. I'm Jamie. I'm selfish. I'm a failure many days. I succeed other days. I want to be a good minister's wife. A great minister's wife. I wish I kept my mouth shut more. Why do I tell people so much junk about my life? Why do I lose my cool? Why do I worry any time I have down moments? Why is losing weight such a struggle? Why am I not happy with me?

AAGH! This is how my brain operates ALL.DAY.LONG. What can I do to be busy right now? What should I have Hayden learning? What do I need to do for a future classroom (and an update on the job situation will come soon; just know that not a single public school has asked for an interview. FAIL. Talk about feeling worthless.)? What do I cook for lunch/supper? Is laundry done? What else can I clean? How long is my checklist today? Am I supposed to be somewhere that I've forgotten about?

I made a conscious effort this week to check on friends at the moment God brought them to mind. I had gotten very complacent in muttering quick prayers: "God, please help so-and-so with all the stuff she's going through. Amen." Yep, heartlfelt and sincere. Saying junk like this at the same time laying my life on the line and whining about all the stuff I have going on. I was blessed by conversations with friends and talk that didn't center around me. Our immediate neighbors are moving back to Oklahoma; they've been so welcoming and become friends in our month in Fort Worth. I'll miss their family of 4.

David is at Student Life camp at Covenant College in Georgia. I've really missed my husband this week. I never want to complain on FB about missing my husband for days/weeks because we have dear friends with deployed spouses. My summer of craziness is nothing compared to half a year+ that friends of mine have to be single moms with multiple children. David and I had a great conversation late last night about what had transpired with his students at camp. I have no doubt that this is exactly where God wanted him to be for the past few months. I also see how God is going to use his time there to transition him to seminary and service in Fort Worth. My husband's faith and ministry-heart is exactly what I prayed for before I ever met him. Don't get me wrong, it's taken me nearly six years of marriage to realize what I have and how he thinks. He challenges many. He's not a typical Southern Baptist. I pray I become the help-mate he needs beside as we travel the years ahead.