Shannon Falls, August 2012

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Inner Battle

I thought about sharing a FB status about an inner battle I feel right now, but to be honest, I didn't want oodles of unsolicited advice from individuals who think they know/understand. Thus, I knew that the folks who actually take the time to read my blog would get it. All of that said, I'm at quite the disadvantage because there's only so much I can share. So you're probably wondering why in the world I'm even bothering to write, right?!

I struggle with jealousy...immensely. I also struggle with making friends. How do these two play into one another? Well, as shallow as it sounds, I was looking at pictures on FB earlier, and I did get a little jealous at a group of college acquaintances. This group is tight; they even went on a cruise together. My group of college friends is all spread out and we have not been as diligent at keeping up with one another or meeting together. I'm guilty for not spearheading anything, as well. Don't get me wrong, we have very close friends here in OS/Biloxi, but David and I think differently about quite a few issues. And as some of you read in my most recent post, we are feeling called to a new direction (much more details to come at a later date). All I will say now is, I'm not sure what our lives will look like a year from now (and for any nosy rosy's---our marriage is fine. In fact, it's probably stronger than it's ever been.). These "issues" keep me from fully plugging in sometimes, but I've gotten much better!

I am also very selfish. I am a mommy. A mommy who works 40-50 hrs./wk. A mommy who works 40-50 hrs./wk. and still manages to cook and clean and be involved at church. But even though I'm involved, I have not committed to anything major this fall at church. Why? Because after being away from my precious, hysterical, growing-way-too-fast son, he and I typically take Sunday afternoon/evening to nap together and snuggle and play. Do we have Saturdays? Yes. Is it enough for this mommy? NO. Because I still have housework and grocery shopping and you-name-it to do. Do I often feel bad that I am not doing a Bible study or helping with AWANA or some other ministry on Sunday nights? Yes. But I REFUSE to lose any more time with my son. And as our new adventure in life begins and soars, I am going to have even more responsibility at home.

I also have not been back to our Wed. night group since school started. Why? you might ask again. Well, because my son has just spent at least 9 hrs. at school and will only have about 3-3.5 before bed, so I CHOOSE to spend those few remaining hours with him instead of throwing him in a room again with other toddlers/young children to play. Don't get me wrong; Hayden is very flexible, he adapts well, and he's happy. But I don't want my child spending more time with other people than he does me or David. Does it mean I miss out quite a bit on community and fellowship? YEP. But this leads me to another point: the reason I chose not to commit to teach every Sunday in the children's wing this fall. 1. I needed a break. 2. I desperately needed to do life with other young parents with young children. When we have a fellowship, our children will be involved. Maybe not always, but I would dare say more the majority than the minority of the time they will be.

So perhaps you can maybe, just a little, feel my struggle. I feel I should be more involved, especially as I'm working desperately to be the support system for David as he is involved (and he's been wonderful about saying "no" and working to be more available for us). Why do I quote/unquote "allow" David to be more involved than I am? Because I know this is what God is calling him to do right now; it all plays into our new "adventure"! Also, because my ministry is Hayden more than it is to committing to being at church every time the doors are open. Are there families/mothers who can do it? Absolutely. Am I one of those? Not right now. I love my job, and I try to give everything I do 110%. Sometimes I feel judged for not balancing even more than I do currently. If I didn't work it would be quite the different story.

I'm not sure how to wrap this up; I think I said more than I meant to. Maybe you learned something about me that you never knew. I wish I had more under control. I wish I was more involved. I wish, I wish, I wish. But I've made decisions. Decisions that allow me to be more mommy than Super Church Member. Is that wrong? Maybe to some folks. But David and I agree that Hayden needs me more right now. Could I learn to balance a few more things? Sure. Will I? Maybe. But I'm definitely learning that being Mommy is the most important job I have, especially to that sweet, sweet 27 month old sleeping on my bed right now.


Nicole said...

Thanks for sharing your heart. I know it must be difficult to find that balance between home and church. I totally agree that your first and most important ministry is to your family. So, you should definitely spend that time with Hayden!

I'm excited to hear about what God is doing in your life - and I am looking forward to hearing more details about whatever it is that is coming! :)

I'll be praying for y'all!!!

Sarah Broadus said...

your not alone. Alot of times I want to be involved in our church-but when I have been there 5/6 days already working...I reallyyyy want to be at home. When I worked for the zoo I worked 50-60 hours a week. I worked every weekend and I never saw my kids-This is why I have NO memory of Aubrie Kate as a baby. I finally gave it to God. I said-Use me...this cannot be YOUR plan for me. This is my plan. Within 3 months of letting go and quit "planning" he had taken control of my life-slung me into ministry and allowed me more time with my family with a lot less money. But it has been worth it. I have learned to live without things I want...and just with what I need. Praying for you! Just let him have need to try to do it yourself :)