Conflicted

When I titled this post earlier today, I had a different topic in mind: the E'Women's Conference I attended this weekend in Pensacola. Maybe I'll take time to further explain the thoughts that bombarded my already overflowing mind later (ie. emotion-based speakers and songs to tug at your heartstrings and make you cry every time you turn around, adoption, homelessness, anger, etc.--and probably not thoughts you would expect), but for now, this post will bear the same title though for a very different reason.

My parents finally got their Wii this past week. My mom and I are going to try to do Wii Fit as much as possible each week. I know I haven't lost the baby weight. In fact, I've even gained. I hate what I see in the mirror, and I know I'm not taking care of my temple...I'm destroying it. So anyway, today I had to weigh myself as I created my Mii. I've purposefully avoided doing this. Every time I open my closet and see racks of clothes I cannot wear, I cry. Ask my dear sweet husband who still tells me I'm beautiful how many times in the last year he's seen me cry over my weight. But I have a hard time believing it because I don't feel beautiful, not because I believe he's doing it to pacify me or to get something for himself.

I have been through weeks during the past year where I did work out, and my mom and I try to walk, but it's been difficult. I have excuses, and I shouldn't, but it's been a tough year on so many levels. But enough about that. I'm conflicted because I have this picture on my desk at school of David and me in college my senior year. I was hot. That has been the only time in my life I have felt that pretty. I don't even daresay beautiful, just pretty. Sad, huh? I have ALWAYS struggled with my weight. And when you're a big girl and have a short haircut, well, assume what you will. BEEN THERE. But I realized today how much weight I need to lose to get back to my college weight. I don't want to even share that. I'm so disgusted with myself. So disgusted.