Inner Battle

I thought about sharing a FB status about an inner battle I feel right now, but to be honest, I didn't want oodles of unsolicited advice from individuals who think they know/understand. Thus, I knew that the folks who actually take the time to read my blog would get it. All of that said, I'm at quite the disadvantage because there's only so much I can share. So you're probably wondering why in the world I'm even bothering to write, right?!

I struggle with jealousy...immensely. I also struggle with making friends. How do these two play into one another? Well, as shallow as it sounds, I was looking at pictures on FB earlier, and I did get a little jealous at a group of college acquaintances. This group is tight; they even went on a cruise together. My group of college friends is all spread out and we have not been as diligent at keeping up with one another or meeting together. I'm guilty for not spearheading anything, as well. Don't get me wrong, we have very close friends here in OS/Biloxi, but David and I think differently about quite a few issues. And as some of you read in my most recent post, we are feeling called to a new direction (much more details to come at a later date). All I will say now is, I'm not sure what our lives will look like a year from now (and for any nosy rosy's---our marriage is fine. In fact, it's probably stronger than it's ever been.). These "issues" keep me from fully plugging in sometimes, but I've gotten much better!

I am also very selfish. I am a mommy. A mommy who works 40-50 hrs./wk. A mommy who works 40-50 hrs./wk. and still manages to cook and clean and be involved at church. But even though I'm involved, I have not committed to anything major this fall at church. Why? Because after being away from my precious, hysterical, growing-way-too-fast son, he and I typically take Sunday afternoon/evening to nap together and snuggle and play. Do we have Saturdays? Yes. Is it enough for this mommy? NO. Because I still have housework and grocery shopping and you-name-it to do. Do I often feel bad that I am not doing a Bible study or helping with AWANA or some other ministry on Sunday nights? Yes. But I REFUSE to lose any more time with my son. And as our new adventure in life begins and soars, I am going to have even more responsibility at home.

I also have not been back to our Wed. night group since school started. Why? you might ask again. Well, because my son has just spent at least 9 hrs. at school and will only have about 3-3.5 before bed, so I CHOOSE to spend those few remaining hours with him instead of throwing him in a room again with other toddlers/young children to play. Don't get me wrong; Hayden is very flexible, he adapts well, and he's happy. But I don't want my child spending more time with other people than he does me or David. Does it mean I miss out quite a bit on community and fellowship? YEP. But this leads me to another point: the reason I chose not to commit to teach every Sunday in the children's wing this fall. 1. I needed a break. 2. I desperately needed to do life with other young parents with young children. When we have a fellowship, our children will be involved. Maybe not always, but I would dare say more the majority than the minority of the time they will be.

So perhaps you can maybe, just a little, feel my struggle. I feel I should be more involved, especially as I'm working desperately to be the support system for David as he is involved (and he's been wonderful about saying "no" and working to be more available for us). Why do I quote/unquote "allow" David to be more involved than I am? Because I know this is what God is calling him to do right now; it all plays into our new "adventure"! Also, because my ministry is Hayden more than it is to committing to being at church every time the doors are open. Are there families/mothers who can do it? Absolutely. Am I one of those? Not right now. I love my job, and I try to give everything I do 110%. Sometimes I feel judged for not balancing even more than I do currently. If I didn't work it would be quite the different story.

I'm not sure how to wrap this up; I think I said more than I meant to. Maybe you learned something about me that you never knew. I wish I had more under control. I wish I was more involved. I wish, I wish, I wish. But I've made decisions. Decisions that allow me to be more mommy than Super Church Member. Is that wrong? Maybe to some folks. But David and I agree that Hayden needs me more right now. Could I learn to balance a few more things? Sure. Will I? Maybe. But I'm definitely learning that being Mommy is the most important job I have, especially to that sweet, sweet 27 month old sleeping on my bed right now.

New Direction

Our lives are likely about to take on a new direction; as I have more details (and the go-ahead to share!), I'll let you all know! Just be praying for us to have guidance and wisdom as we make decisions.

Good Exhausted

Well, I survived the first 2 days of school at a new place. I'm a good exhausted. Looks like it's going to be a good year. I'll be happy when we settle into a solid routine. It's been hard not being able to pick Hayden up until closer to suppertime, but he's also not the first kid there this year (yes!!) nor is he even close to being the last. And now that I have longer to plan each day, I shouldn't have to stay as late...once the bus situation gets figured out, at least!

So here's to a MUCH better year!

Gotta Pray

I'm daily amazed at our son. We are striving to set a solid, Godly example for him, and it must be working. Tonight as I was putting Hayden to bed, I was in a hurry since our back-to-school morning routine starts bright and early. We had read our Bible story, were in the process of changing the diaper, and on our way to grabbing a book (he reads on his own before he sleeps). I told him, "C'mon, baby. Let's go. Get in bed so Mommy can cover you up." So he climbed on the bed but refused to lie down. He firmly, but sweetly, reminded me, "Gotta pray, Momma. Gotta pray." I honestly had completely forgotten we needed to say our prayers in my haste to get him to sleep. I love that he already WANTS to talk to Jesus!

New Year, New Room

Hey, all...here are a few shots from my new room. The colors are much better in person and Hayden spent the morning "helping."

Hmmm...

I didn't know what else to title this post. And I'm not honestly sure what the topic is! Makes for a wonderful blog to read, right?

David arrived home yesterday from Vancouver. Even though I didn't go with him (this time), I feel like I was there from what he shared. I am so excited about what God showed him this past week. I know he is having "withdrawals," if you will. Ever just felt burnt out where you are? That's where we both are; I don't want to go too much more in depth than that. Honestly, it's almost to difficult to explain and very dear friends read my blog, so I'm not sure how to say what I'm thinking. But I think we've both realized just how much God is calling us to more. And if you're family reading this, please don't read more into those lines than what's stated. I repeat, all I'm saying is that we're called to more, whatever He designates that more for us as. Got it?

Now, I'm just over a week from a new school year. I'm excited and anxious. Being a "new kid on the block" once again is difficult because I have to give up planning time to attend new teacher meetings and learn new school policies. At least my classroom is able to be used; that always makes me feel better. I hope to post pictures of it later this week.

We're taking family pictures tonight; here's hoping for good ones (and ones that make me look skinny!) :)

Happy Monday!

PT

So I've come to a conclusion: my son will go pee pee in the potty for just about anyone but me! He's gone 3 times--twice for my niece and once for a worker at church. I mean, seriously?! But I'm quite thankful that he's just going. He's not consistent yet, but that'll come. I've had to start acting like I don't care if he ever learns to go potty (reverse psychology works amazingly on Hayden!). About the time I started that (I wasn't overly pushy to begin with, but this has helped), he began telling other people that he wanted to go potty. He's just over 2; I have to remember that he's fine. I'm very thankful that his teacher at school will help encourage him, but she won't push. Going back to school will probably help immensely as well, especially since his best bud there is potty-trained. Do you know how hard it is not to compare your child?!

I'm trying to enjoy my last few days of freedom before school kicks into high gear. Can't wait to put up pictures of my room! Once David gets back from Vancouver with my camera I'll get some pictures going. Here's to just two more nights of single mommyhood! I'm so ready to see my man!